Life Lately No. 1

I just decided to change Random Round Up into an actual round up. Then I chose to post entries like this instead, in a Life Lately, like other bloggers do. I've gone through a lot of stuff. Some of them I wanted to keep private, others I felt like I should share with you. At last, I decided to bare a bit of myself as a part of my branding.

It's very crucial for all of us. For you guys, you may relate to a thing or two I say. For me, it's my release. People fight and say, "just keep a journal, keep it to yourself". But no! I grew up on the internet. 13 years passed since my first scratch-on dial up card. (Yes, I've been here for so long!) This is how I've lived since then, and I'm still here. I'm an internet nomad. I moved from Friendster to Harry Potter forums to Star Wars communities to My Chemical Romance boards to Anne Rice vampire blogs to gossip sites to social media to Reddit, and then, this blog.

Hopefully, this is a place that I can settle in.

I do feel at home here, but I felt like there's a block that's hindering me from progress. The more I ignore the clutter in both my laptop and in my room, the bigger it gets. And it's not just my blog. It's also in a lot of aspects in my life too. I'm grateful and I know great things are gonna happen. But something is resisting this from making good things happen. Was it my fear? Was it my past?

Here I am now, with my quarter life crisis.

Rebranding the Blog

I started out this blog with one intention. It's to show the world–the universe, rather–that I'm a weird creature in love with the creative lifestyle. No lies that I wanna go professional someday, and I do get offers. What did I intend to post? The usual stuff: interesting things I find, places I stepped foot in, how I do my makeup, and all the shebang.

But lately I'm looking back. I felt like the brand went another direction. Is this how I want to go through my blog? I was running out of ideas other than my plans for Japan 2016 tales. I kept worrying where will I go next. That's all there is.

So I decided to give it a break for a while, to think about how I want to (re)brand myself. I decided to take Arriane Serafico's Braver Goals course. What I want to get out of here is to improve my blog and my self. Did I mention it's also free?

Almost Dying Did Change Me

My near death moment gave me flashbacks to my decisions. A lot of them I'm happy for, and all of them I'm thankful for. But the moment I got home from the hospital, I knew immediately my top priority: my own joy.

I took a good look at my life and thought of what I wanted. Then I came to a conclusion. Most of my life, I spent it worrying about what I don't want to happen. It was time when I focus on what I want to happen. Law of Attraction, yadda yadda, universe, all that stuff.

Also I'm so done doing things because I want to do something but people find it unrealistic. But people don't make the decision for me. I make the decision for me. I'm just so done, let me do my thing. And this time, I am happier and more focused on it.

Blocked

Now I've made a decision to go after what I want. And I believe it's all coming to me fast.

The problem is, I feel like something's holding me back. What was it? I'm always confident about getting the things I want. Then I hear a "but..." from my old beliefs. "But this, but that." It is then I ask myself, "Why the buts?". More than often, I get silence for an answer. As much as I want to respond, nothing comes out.

I am very conscious of what I fear and worry about. The moment they pop up, I question myself before it gets tougher. Every time, I leave a blank answer inside. There is so much left unresolved, and I end up in this vicious cycle of negativity I kept battling then.

TL;DR

People are going to ask me what I'm going to do next after I leave my old work. Anyone would answer stuff like "I'm going to look for jobs", "I'm gonna rest for a while", or "I'm gonna go back to school." I'm gonna answer... "I'm gonna clean my room." Imagine the laughs I'll get. Or the confusion I'll earn. All I know is that I have to let go of materials that I don't need, keep what I do need.